Human Ages


The Human Ages

By Susan P Lampwick

There are 4 known ‘ages’ in history, they are

  • Stone
  • Iron
  • Dark
  • Old

There are more ages but for the purpose of this report I shall only claim there are 4. Though most of these ages break down in to sub sets of lesser ages, which in themselves have wide and varied ages inside them, these are also known as periods. These periods are often times of great upheaval or struggle. Which more often than not caused widespread panic, upset, violence and frequent moping about being a bit weepy.

An ‘age’ is any period in history where one specific item or way of living is more prevalent than anything else. For example we are currently living in the ‘playing on your phone or computer when you should be listening to me trying to talk to you, Thomas you bastard!’ age.

I shall now…

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Relax and enjoy your journey. It’s as easy as that !??

Dear Cross Country Trains,

I am a frequent customer of your services between various cities.  I am usually satisfied with my trips with you, even though I find the latest price hike not entirely value.

I’m typing today as forced to by a rather upsetting journey yesterday.  I booked a seat in 1st class as a treat to myself after a hard weekend, I travelled this way before and it was most relaxing and thoroughly enjoyable (I like the single seats especially, free WiFi and friendly service).  However yesterday was severely distressing.

As I boarded the train I did so at a further carriage and thought I would make my way up to A internally.  Well, that was the worst thinking I could have had.

I squeezed past about 2 carriages of people stood should to shoulder, most of whom were understanding and kind enough to allow me past, though others stood blank faced and rigid despite my polite yet assertive requests for movement.  But I digress, on reaching the join between the last coach and coach A I reached a stand still. The euro backpackers were friendly enough and tried to move aside but apart from these, and other people whom I can only imagine had not booked any seats –unlike myself who so carefully had and does – there was the catering trolley –wedged between carriages.  It was actually the catering rather than non reserved passengers who created the blockage and forbade my first class seat, well in fact the having of any seat!

After this long haul with my heavy baggage (almost wrenching my wrists from their sockets when hoisting it above heads to get past people) I had to give up.  Perspiring and frustrated I was left standing the whole way from one city to another, almost falling over as I was stood central carriage with nothing to hold onto.  I have never had such a terrible journey.

Finally I was left with the only option to jump out at a stop and run (with said very heavy baggage) up the platform into Coach A.  Imagine if I had not run and missed getting on? Or had put my wrists or shoulders out,  and not been able to lift my bag or get help?

I spent the last about 10 minutes in my correct seat (whom a gentleman had sat himself in, understandably as he thought the rightful person was clearly not getting on!).

In standard class I have noticed many non- reserved passengers having to stand but as a permanently reserved person I always book a seat, and successfully get to that seat.

As a 1st class passenger this was a total let down, and feel deterred from trying to book 1st again.  What was supposed to be a real treat and relaxed journey turned into a nightmare.

I hope you can see that your tag line of “Relax and Enjoy your journey.  It’s as easy as that” is totally untrue and unfitting, in this case at least!

Sad Salutations,

Miss S

Subject: Case Reference: XC141013BBH9

Ref: XC141013BBH9
Dear Ms S

Thank you for your email, received here on 13th October 2014.
I am sorry to hear about your experience on board on 12th October 2014.

It’s fair to say that we expected a more even spread of customers using trains throughout the day. We even planned our trains and carriages to accommodate this spread of customers. However, on this occasion we got it wrong and I am sorry that your train was so busy and uncomfortable.
I understand that this caused you to be unable to take your seat in the First Class Carriage. I know how important it is when you reserve a seat and it must have been particularly frustrating as you had planned ahead when you booked the treat for yourself.
As you were unable to sit in First Class for the majority of your journey I would like to offer you some compensation in rail travel vouchers for the difference in cost between a First Class and Standard Class ticket. Please can I request that you send me your postal address in reply to this email and I will get these vouchers to you.

Please be assured that I have recorded the details about your journey and will ensure they are passed to our train planning department. They will do all they can to make sure we get it right next time to prevent issues like this happening again.
Once again please do accept our sincerest apologies for this disappointing experience and I will await your contact details.

Yours sincerely
Rahimah Ali
Customer Relations Consultant
Phone: 03447 369 123
Fax: 0121 200 6004
Rate my response at

My Reply:
Hello there Rahimah,

thank you for the gesture of the price between standard and first class, although its true to say I didn’t have even a standard seat, rather only standing on my feet for that journey. Thanks none the less!

and I’ll be travelling this same way again on Sunday so I pray for smooth passage!
best wishes,
Ms S

Complaint to Tesco

Damn Tesco!!

Dear Tesco

I hate to start any communicate on a downbeat and sombre tone, but I simply must on this occasion.

I am utterly baffled, miffed, confused and quite frankly outraged at something that has happened in your stores! Why oh why oh why have you seen it fit to stop producing the Tesco’s own brand of salt and vinegar rice cakes?! I have another complaint which for the life of me I can’t remember what it is now, I’m so enraged at the rice cakes issue! I’m sorry to be so indignant but I am incredibly cross! Please, allow me the time to explain why your action has vexed me so!

I am not a thin man, my son is also the wrong side of round, we both live together and since my wife left me both our emotions have gone down in a shame spiral faster than an…

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Rage Slave – Part 4

Eww re the cannibal!

A new and exciting short story by me Cecil Thax, this was an entry I wrote for a ‘A bad science fiction writing jam’, I’m breaking it down into several parts so your mind isn’t overwhelmed by words and Sci Fi cliches.

Previously on ‘Rage Slave’ Jack Steel had woken from Soma sleep and found himself on Mars, after taking refuge in a barn an old gnarled farmer had captured him, brought him into his house and shot Jack through the lung, hung him up to dry and was about to eat him!

Part four- Payback!

The old man stood over his counter top slicing and dicing root crops, he planned several meals to eat Jack with, he would roast him, braise him, fry him, grind him into burgers and stew the bones. The old man hadn’t caught an unlicensed human in over a decade; he was going to savour…

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